Since Facebook added this term to its relationship status section we have embraced it and used it to uncomplicate our lives, but what message are we sending to the young people and are we scared to commit? Is “it’s complicated” complicating the black family and our dynasties that have yet to be created?
I admit I am one of those people who jumped on the “it’s complicated” bandwagon thinking it would help uncomplicate the one area of my life that seems to stay virtually complicated! I am finding that it only makes things easier to put off, not talk about, and beat around the bush. So far no luck it has complicated my life even more because I don’t know where I’m at! Am I in a relationship? Am I a committed person or does this person want to commit or will I scare him away? What message am I sending out to my kids, or to anyone wanting to get “complicated” with me? Am I afraid to commit? The list could go on for miles!
As many of us have noticed the Internet is filled with this complication and for some it leads to serious trouble; indulges fantasies and fetishes, while for many of us it has replaced the club scene and church all together. I don’t know about you but I am so sick of reading FB posts and little emails that ask stupid “why doesn’t he want me” questions, talk about love, or refer to anything dealing with relationships. If I see one more desperate woman posing that same tired question to strangers for which she knows damn well she has an answer to I think I might go insane! No more “should I check his cell phone” questions please. If you have to do that he is not trust worthy, or you have serious trust issues, OR BOTH! Go be alone!
Ladies do we really need Steve Harvey to tell us how to be a lady and to think like a man? So many of us have abandoned our queendom to pursue a life of love and happiness, only to find it gets……wait for it…COMPLICATED! Of course it’s going to get complicated when you sell out your morals and forget everything you ever knew about how to keep your self-respect and maintain your dignity all for that person who you can’t live without but you can’t claim. Are you ready to pursue your queendom and do you want to do it solo or add a king into the picture?
Now I won’t get too high and mighty, Lord knows I am far from perfect and I am not one to give relationship advice but whatever happened to passion, dating, waiting, marriage, and fairytale romances, and making love? We seem to have replaced these things with speed-dating, Craigslist, Luda and sex rooms, and “complicated,” just to name a few. Are we in fear of taking the trip down the altar, jumping the broom or are we just in eHarmony? I watch my daughter’s movies from time to time and remind myself that I loved the idea of love. Now it seems I have given in to life in America and the new culture of relationships that breed anything but love. These new relationships seem to satisfy our need to cohabitate but than sneak out the back door when things go south. Then we see the end results on Judge Judy or Mathis, Cheaters and we are entertained by others misery. Men what do you want or are you getting away with having your cake and eating it too?
Right now Steve Harvey is writing another relationship book but I ask, sisters do we need more male advice or should we start taking the advice we know is already engrained in our souls? Shouldn’t we put a price on our love, shouldn’t we start asking him to “put a ring on it?” Where have we gone wrong and why have women gotten so mushy and cowardly? Are we that afraid to be alone and run him away because we want a commitment? Do we even want a commitment or is this new relationship course the new norm and weddings are for the rich who can pay for the impending divorce?
I am getting a bit older and wiser and I think I am at the point where I am ready to settle down old-fashioned style, like our moms and dads and build a dynasty. Maybe it’s the conservative in me wanting to be old school, or maybe the queen in me not wanting to settle for living with someone who is not committed to commitment, or the message it sends to my daughter and sons. She never took the risk, or she was never worth his love, or she was content being alone, you can go on all day and wonder why? …Why? Why? Why?
I know women perfectly happy being alone and never undervalued their self-worth to a man or anyone for that matter! Then I know women running after dudes like high school cheerleaders doing anything they can to get that piece of meat. But at what cost? She still ends up miserable, broke, and alone. I guess we as women need to ask the question what are we worth and are we happy just doing us? If not, therein lies the problem. We need to be able to stand alone or keep an unlimited texting/Internet plan so we can stay complicated!
Relationships are a big business in America, hell it is the #1 most profitable business of all time! Whether you pay for it, buy the book, get your slow jam cd, see someone like Dr. Phil, buy scented candles, KY jelly, or whatever, love and relationships sell, and we are selling out along with it!
So I write this to say this affects the black community more so than any other culture because we are already ingrained to this lifestyle because when we cohabitate, we are penalized by the government in every way. Our benefits get cut off, we no longer qualify for certain things, our credit scores suffer, we can’t own things without signing 20 government forms and getting permission to own, our insurance premiums rise, our kids no longer qualify for grants and scholarships. This lifestyle is systemic and part of what is wrong with America and Wisconsin especially being one of the most racist states in the union and this would be one of the main reasons why. We have left one type of slavery to enter into another one, very down low but yet very present everywhere you go in our Milwaukee.
Yet we continue to live these lives of unfulfilled destinies and dynasties because every queen needs a king, and then there are the few who can stand alone and rule her queendom rather well thank you very much. But we see Obama and Michelle and for some of us ladies (who are still little girls at heart, living in our own little fantasy worlds of Cinderella and happily ever after), we want that! We want the white picket fence, warm home, two-car garage and a man to cook for and someone to hold us when we need it and all that frilly love stuff. We want that lifestyle, we want to commit and pool our resources and jump the broom and show our kids what a family, a true family with dad, mom and siblings can be when we stick together, pray, eat and laugh. Yet we fear to even ask our partner, will you marry me?
So I guess Steve Harvey, Tyler Perry Oprah, Tyra Banks and others will continue to sell their common sense advice, mainly to us. But we know the path! It is very clear and very obtainable. If we truly want to be committed, I think ladies, my sisters, it is time to take the risk and uncheck our “it’s complicated” boxes and start becoming the queens we were meant to be, so that our kings can rise and we can be united not divided. We always want people to support this, that, and the other but when it comes to supporting the black family, our history, our legacy and our king/queendoms well “it’s complicated!” Is it really?